


Cracked-Gem Confidential. Vol. 1: So this is a thing now.

by justinsbuzz



Series: Cracked Gem Confidential [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Awkward Situation, Connverse., Crack Fiction, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Strong Language, i blame the hiatus, it's only going to get weirder, terrible memes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 09:47:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17620157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justinsbuzz/pseuds/justinsbuzz
Summary: 1. Welp, that happened: The gang finishes the season finale of the show, and they all question reality.2. The Peridot Bird Box Paradox: Amethyst encourages Peridot to be stupid for the sake of entertainment. Connie raises the bar even higher. Could anyone survive the reverse bird-box challenge?3. The Big Donuts big scene: It went from Doug wanting to see if it's possible to go to the moon, to Doug wanting to knock Steven to the moon. plus, picture day for Connie at school.4. Prelude to a malpractice: Steven goes to check up on Priyanka at the clinic to find that Blue and Yellow pearl have picked up some interesting and horrible hobbies, and Priyanka might have some unresolved issues that comes with having no patients, and playing a simulation game about surgery and game mods.





	Cracked-Gem Confidential. Vol. 1: So this is a thing now.

**Author's Note:**

> well, how bout that season finale? kind of threw a wrench in my original fanfic, but that's why i have crack fic to fall back on. I'm going to try to blend both AU and cannon into this weird mush of insanity. I blame everyone (no i don't). But yeah, take it with a grain of salt, there's going to be some strong language from time to time, but i'll try to make it as weird and insane as possible. knowing the past experiences with hiatuses, this brand of weirdness is going to be needed.

Cracked-Gem Confidential. Vol. 1: So this is a thing now.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1\. Welp, that happened.

 

The TV clicked off in the living room. the Crystal Gems, Greg, the Maheswaran’s, and Obsidian sat around the table, completely confused as to what they had seen. Even the Diamonds, who had to shrink to a smaller size just to fit in the warp pad area, as long as they crouched down low enough. ‘Change your Mind’, as nice as it was, was almost an alternate universe to them. The things that could have happened, in comparison to what did happen. It was only until Obsidian stood up that the trance wore off of them.

“So.” Obsidian spoke “Instead of being a 300-foot-tall Hindu Goddess of war and badassery, I end up looking like a one eyed, 14-year-old, renaissance fair patron? No offence Connie, we look good and we know it, but what the hell?!”

“I’m not going to lie, but, we kind of had the whole Obsidian name before you did.” Garnet spoke, her visor gone and her eyes half opened. “I would be more concerned about how the writer is going to come up with a new name for you.”

“GAH! That idiot?! He’s already banging their head against the wall about it. I mean, if this wasn’t a 4th wall breaking story, all of this would have ended.” Obsidian said, sounding very annoyed. “Like, what is he gonna call me? ‘Lizzy’? ‘Rebecca’? ‘One-eyed Constance’? That all sounds so freaking lame!”

“Speaking of 4th wall breaks, what was going on with Sunstone?” Steven asked “I mean, we looked cool together. Pretty much anything with flames is always cool. But who were we talking to?”

“Sunstone seemed nice.” Doug spoke, shifting their glance towards Blue Diamond, who looked worried. “They seem like a good role model. I’m actually more annoyed that Blue called my daughter a pet”

“I would never!” Blue cried aloud. A tear falling down the cheek of every gem in the room, except for Lapis, who looked pleased with her new form. “Little Connie was just so precious in that episode! I mean, those fighting moves, standing up to White Diamond, and carrying Steven to his gem self. I’m so proud of you sweetie!”

Connie had started to blush profusely at Blue Diamond’s complements as Blue Diamond reached out and rubbed her shoulders. She giggled and told Blue Diamond to stop.

“Speaking of White Diamond.” Yellow started to speak “we just walked right up to her, have Steven get his gem pulled out, and have him go full screamo/death metal on her? That’s what would have changed her mind?! Hell, I could have done that with my demo music. Plus, the music at the ball? The DJ was terrible, techno-operatic was dead before it began…400 years ago. Dark times.”

“Well, I loved it.” Peridot said “Me, Savior of Homeworld! Has a nice ring to it. And those glasses! Zooming around on my trashcan lid, Punching White Diamonds ship! We were awesome Lapis!”

Bismuth cleared her throat, looking somewhat insulted.

“Oh, and you did pretty good yourself, Bismuth. A good supporting roll. Like Connie.” Peridot chirped.

“I finally got shoes, and I’m now wearing sweat pants. I’m happy.” Lapis spoke, giving her two cents into the conversation.

“Connie ended up getting her birthday present sooner than expected, and I’m glad it came into good use. I’m surprised that the house there looked like how it was before.” Bismuth spoke, looking around the interior of the two-story house with an open atrium. “I really worked hard on this.”

“WE worked really hard on this.” Greg told Bismuth. “I mean, the F’amethyst’s were a big help too, but a good amount of this was a three-way team effort between you, me, and Doug. Never took you for someone who knew a lot about wood joinery, Doug.”

“I’ve seen a few videos.” Doug said, impressed with himself. I’m somewhat disappointed that the Homeworld gems didn’t come. I really like them.”

“Without them, we wouldn’t have a home in beach city.” Priyanka said. “In fact, I would still be working at the hospital. On call constantly, having to deal with somewhat incompetent colleagues, my hair getting grayer by the hour. I can’t see myself going back to it. I’m happy here. WE’RE happy here…. right? Connie, you seem quiet. Thoughts, sweetie?”

Connie was lost in thought, she was still holding Steven’s hand tightly.

“You nearly died Steven. That…that’s something I don’t think I can get out of my head. And I forgot what things were like before we confessed our feelings. Just…this is going to be a long hiatus. And if we were to try to set things like how they were in the show, that would mean…”

“It would mean nothing, Connie.” Steven told her, looking into her eyes. “We’re still the same as we were then. We just stated the obvious. We’re ahead of the curve. I don’t think we’re going to have to change anything, Strawberry.”

“I lerb you, Biscuit.” Connie said, strangely.

“Lerb?” Steven asked.

“Eh, trying something out. It’s like ‘love’, but sillier. You like.” Connie asked.

“Well, not sure now. But I think I can learn to ‘lerb’ it.” Steven said jokingly. In a single moment, everyone started pulling out pillows and throwing it at the couple, muttering things like ‘Lame’, ‘boo’, and ‘Cheesy Biscuit’.

“Yeah. So. Our alternate universe is pretty much done. I mean, it’s over, Isn’t it?” Obsidian said flatly. Amethyst walked over to her and wrapped a stretched-out arm around her.

“Not gonna lie, Obby. Does ‘obby’ work for you?” Amethyst asked Obsidian who was shaking her head slowly. “Meh, work in progress. Think of it this way, this means creative freedom. This means we could get away with whatever we want since this is a small universe where no one will say what we should do! We’re free, Obsidian. Free!”

“Free……to do what?” Obsidian asked.

“Whatever the hell we want! Let’s get cracked, Obby!” Amethyst declared.

“Yeah…. not quite digging the name. plus, what about my back story? How can I be obsidian when I’m not a billion feet tall and vomiting lava? Or what about the Diamonds mysterious absences in the Fanfic universe?” Obsidian said, looking over at everyone still laughing. “What about us?”

“Don’t worry about it. The Author will figure it out. Besides, it’s not like they’re insanely busy or have anything meaningful going on in their lives. Classes got canceled, and it’s too late to sign up for anything else.” Amethyst said, squeezing Obsidian tightly like an anaconda, which incidentally, her hand just became the head of one. “Plusssss, they’re not the kind to leave things open like that. They’re not some big budget studio who would just leave everyone at a cliffhanger. They’re sssssssmarter than that. Or at least by a couple of braincells. As for the name, I’m sure you’ll ‘lerb’ it over-”

“NOT YOU TOO!” Obsidian decried aloud.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2\. The Peridot Bird Box Paradox

Steven sat in his room, hunched over a desk that had books all over the place. One particular book about beginner’s psychology was propped open. Up on the wall in front of him was a tablet computer, hanging on the wall, and showing Connie on the screen. Steven’s been spending a fair amount of time helping Connie with her studying. They weren’t allowed to study together until they would control their fusion powers, so this was the next best step. At the same time, Steven had begun to ask pearl about home studies, and see if Pearl could be able to teach Connie instead of Connie going to High school. She’s been having a rough time trying to acclimatize to being in high school, It’s a definite stark contrast to middle school.

They had begun to cover unit 5 of the text book, until Steven heard a loud crash coming from the kitchen down stairs.

“Oh no.” Steven spoke nervously. “Not again! I seriously need to pry her away from the computer.”

“What’s going on?” Connie asked “Is Peridot doing another internet challenge thing?”

“Yeah. The last time she did something like that, she used up all the cinnamon. I’m still finding some of it stuck in between the couch cushions.” Steven said, looking back at the hanging tablet. “I’ll be right back.”

“Wait! Take me with you. I could use a break. And a laugh. And I’m kind of the leader of the Crystal Temps, so I should hold some form of responsibility here.” Connie said sheepishly.

Steven raced downstairs, holding the tablet about his head, with an audible Connie going ‘WHEEEEEE, I’M FLYING!’. Once they arrived downstairs, what they saw was as bad as they feared; Peridot, trying to make a smoothly, blindfolded.

“No.” Both Steven and Connie said aloud. “No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! Not this stupid thing!”

“Yes! Yes, this stupid thing!” Amethyst said, sitting at the bar, watching and filming Peridot trying to cut up a tomato with the back end of a butter knife. “Hey Lapis, wanna get in on the fun? I got a spare blindfold with your name on it. Literally.”

Amethyst held up a silk blindfold with the name Lapis embroidered into it. Lapis, on the other hand, was reading one of Steven’s manga that he thought went missing ages ago.

“Hard pass.” Lapis spoke, turning the page in the wrong direction. “Besides, this story is amazing, people coming to life after they’re dead, entire revelations being completely wiped away from the main story. Who knew humans were capable of such art? You doing great, wasabi baby! Take your time with it, but kind of pick up the pace maybe.”

“Steven, lower me, and turn me around.” Connie asked Steven, still holding the tablet above his head. He lowered it, and turned it to face him, seeing Connie massaging he bridge of her nose. “Gonna need your help on this one, Biscuit. Everything I just saw has caused my braincells to commit mass suicide, and I got a test tomorrow. Any ideas how to fix…. that?”

“Not sure. Maybe get Amethyst to stop this?” Steven asked. He looked up to see that Amethyst already had professional lighting already set up, with Onion holding the boom for a microphone. “Eh….”

“OK, there is one thing we can do. But you have to trust me. Ok?” Connie asked seriously. Steven gave a nod in acknowledgement. “OK, good. I need you to press your forehead against the tablet, and I will do the same. This may be a fusion stunt, where our minds can meet beyond time and space.”

“You…um…live about a block away from here.” Steven asked, confused.

“Not the point, Biscuit boo. We need to do this or else this will become a weird internet stunt that will kill trillions across the universe. It’s up to us to save…. the Universe!” Connie proclaimed out loud.

“You lost a lot of braincells watching that, didn’t you?” Steven asked amusingly.

“Little details, Steven! got to keep our eyes on the prize! Now digitally fuse with me!” Connie said, pressing her forehead to the tablet, and clearly no longer sane. Steven went along with it and did the same.

Suddenly, the tablet began to vibrate and giving off a humming sound. Steven couldn’t believe his ears, or hands. This might be actually working!

“Ding! OK, Steven turn me around and crank up the volume.” Connie asked Steven. Steven did just that, turning her to face the utter insanity that has unfolded. He heared nothing at first, only to find out that he was turning the volume wheel the wrong way. By the time it was cranked up, Connie was already yelling.

“Oi! Cristal Knuckleheads! Listen up! ATTENTION!” Connie yelled, sounding like someone with great authority. “Lapis! Peridot! This is your Leader of the Crystal Temps!”

Peridot turned around swiftly, tossing the knife at the fridge while throwing off her blindfold. Lapis was still reading the manga.

“Steven alerted me of your training and getting acclimatized to earth customs. You’re doing fine work! So fine, you blow my mind!” Connie barked through the tablet. “Now, it’s time to step up the challenge. Not sure if you’re cut out for this though.”

“Ma’am! We’re prepared to do anything you say, Ma’am!” Peridot shouted out loud.

“Meh, in a minute.” Lapis muttered, still turning the pages the wrong way.

“Don’t ruin this for me, Connie! I need the hits. And Cat Steven trying to sound like a weird human is hogging all the spot light!” Amethyst whined, pointing a camera at the tablet. “I need this!”

“Stand down, Grape-ape. You’ll get your footage. As for key lime and water witch, I have a REAL challenge for you.” Connie spoke. “It’s called… the reverse birdbox blindfold challenge!”

Amethyst gave and Peridot gave a deep gasp, while Lapis, per usual, remained unphased.

“Ma’am, how does this challenge work, ma’am!” Peridot asked sternly.

“You are tasked with doing simple tasks…without a blindfold.” Connie spoke deeply. “No actual human being has ever done a reverse birdbox challenge and lived to tell about it. Are you sure you can cut it? Can you dig it, you angry slice of pie?”

“Ma’am, Yes Ma’am!” Peridot chirped aloud.

“Meh, sounds stupid. I’m in.” Lapis said lazily. Connie’s eyes were twitching at the sight of Lapis breaking a simple rule about reading manga. We all have little things that drive us nuts, and for Connie, it’s the mishandling of manga, every otaku’s true weakness.

“Amethyst, you’re in charge of training them in the art of doing simple tasks with a blindfold, without a blindfold. Can you handle that kind of pressure?” Connie asked sternly.

“Pressure is what made me.” Amethyst answered, giving a faux salute.

“Don’t let me down, Amethyst.” Connie spoke, then turning her attention to Steven “Pst, turn me around. Now my trusty Steed-ven, back to studying things that will be of no use in the real world! Let’s Fly!”

Steven held the tablet above his head, and ran back up the stairs, making a wooshing sound.

Ober the course of 2 weeks, the people of Beach City and the gems of Homeworld were captivated with the stunning challenges of trying to do things without a blindfold; walking on the street, drinking water. Writing terrible ‘Unfamiliar Familiar’ fanfic while shipping Lisa and Archimicarus in the most NTSF way possible. Time and again, Amethyst filmed Peridot struggling with the easiest of tasks, and barely succeeding. It was as though Peridot was a real-life actor in an infomercial for something no one asked for. Even White Diamond was moved by the challenges that she almost let her T-pose down for a second before realizing she’s still got a running bet with a menacing Aquamarine. But after two weeks, Peridot passed by the skin of her gem, and Lapis was still of no help at all.

“Ma’am! I’ve come to report that I have finished the most difficult tasks you have given me.” Peridot said, standing back straight in Stevens doorway, while Steven and Connie were watching ‘Dog-Copter 3’ on the TV.

“Wait what?” Connie asked confused before Steven whispered something in her ear. She then looked shocked. “Wait, you actually went through with it? I just wanted you to stop being stupid.”

“But the tasks have been completed, Ma’am! Will there be a reward for these heroic feats?” Peridot asked. Connie started to look around for something to give Peridot, only to have Obsidian’s outstretched hand holding a box of cookies emerging from in between Steven and Connie.

“Oh, Um. OK, here. I reward you with the esteemed reward of the box of the cookies. And also this.” Connie said, presenting her with a box of Pocky sticks, and then patting her on the head. “OK, you’re dismissed, fellow gem. Back to anime. Now shoo.”  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3\. The Big Donut’s big scene.

It was morning in beach city. Tourism season was beginning to die down, but there were still a good number of strangers coming and going. Shops weren’t too busy, but they still had a good stream of customers. There was some form of activity anywhere you could go, especially with the arrival of new gems exploring Beach City. One of the lightly active places that were open around 7 in the morning was the Big Donut, one of Stevens usual haunts. That morning, Steven arrived early at the big donut with his dad and Pearl in tow. They went to go meet up with Doug, who being a new resident in Beach City, still needed a rundown as to all the strange things he’s going to need to get use to. Especially since he’s going to be working the lighthouse on certain nights. Fall was around the corner, so Connie was already in school, and wasn’t able to come and help fill her dad in. That morning, they were talking about the moon.

“So, what you’re saying” Doug began to speak before taking a quick sip of the coffee, which had improved somewhat since the Big Donut is under new management. “Is that there is a moon base that could be seen through the telescope at night?”

“Yes. It’s been there for thousands of years. It does contain air inside, but I don’t recommend going there just yet.” Pearl replied, slightly swirling her cup of tea that she had no intention if drinking. “Press the wrong button and you could be sucked into the vacuum of space.”

“And as a person who has firsthand knowledge of that, I can say that it was no fun.” Steven spoke while stairing at his donut. Usually, it would have been eaten by now, but instead, something was eating away at him. The reminder that there might be rubies still floating in space. They may have the Leg ship, but no actual way of locating them. “Plus, if you get sucked out into space, I think Dr. Maheswaran might try to dissect me.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that, Steven.” Doug spoke. “She may seem intimidating, but she is actually a nice person. She won’t bite…I think.”

At that point, the door of the Big Donut swung open with immense force. Connie had bolted inside and was looking for Steven, looking worried. She lunged towards Steven, putting her hands on her shoulders.

“Steven, I’m in serious trouble.” Connie said breathlessly.

“I should say so. Shouldn’t you be at school right now?” Doug asked worryingly.

“Seriously Connie. As a college dropout, take my advice. Stay in school. No matter how miserable it may be.” Greg said turning to the window and looking at the beach, wondering about what could have been.

“Oh, hi dad. Mr. Universe. Pearl. Also, interdimensional lion, I’m good.” Connie briefly said, acknowledging the other people at the table. “But, seriously. I’m in trouble, and it has to do with the school.”

“Are there gem monsters destroying the gym?” Steven asked.

“No.” Connie answered, looking really frightened.

“Are the F’amethyst’s running amok in the cafeteria again, trying to instigate a second food war?” Steven asked, growing more worried as to how serious the reason is.

“Worse” Connie answered, even more panicked. “So much infinitely worse, it makes our run in with White Diamond look like a game of Un. Steven. It’s Picture Day!”

Steven had deflated in his chair, looking both relieved, but confused.

“So…what’s the problem?” Steven asked confused.

“Nearly every student in high school dreads picture day. A day where every imperfect part of them is shown and immortalized in horrible year books. The worst of it is that I feel a zit coming on. Like my nose is about ready to pop out a freaking cantaloupe. It may not seem like that now, but it’s coming. It’s coming big time!” Connie said, sounding terrified.

“I…. don’t see anything, Connie.” Pearl said, stopping herself from accidentally drinking her tea. “And besides, a little minut blemish is nothing to worry about, or be ashamed of. It’s perfectly normal for a teenager your age to start having things like that.”

“Yeah Connie. And no matter how bad you think it is, it can’t be any worse than your dads.” Greg said before sneaking a drink his coffee.

“My picture?” Doug said with his eyebrow raised. “If I remember correctly, your junior year picture showed you wearing a large pompadour.”

“Pompadours were coming back in style. Eventually.” Greg said embarrassingly.

“This thing would be more massive than any pompadour anyone could ever have. I think I feel it’s heart beating.” Connie said, looking cross-eyed at her nose, which Steven always found to be cute. “There’s only one thing that can fix this.” 

Connie moved her hands to Steven’s cheeks.

“Steven! We have to make out. Right now!” Connie declared aloud. This caused both Greg and Doug to do a spit take with their coffee. A really long spit takes. Almost unnatural. They could have filled a carafe kind of unnatural. “I know this is sudden, and honestly not the most ideal of situation and place to do it, but my life is on the line. The life of my nose is on the line. You love my nose, and it’s about to give birth to a big zit baby! Kiss me you fool!”

Doug’s eyes were hidden behind the glair of his glasses and the steam that seems to be emanating from his clenched teeth, which he bared furiously. Greg had tried his best to stifle his laughter to the point that his eyes were about to pop out. They do say that comedy could be derived from fear, and this was proof of it. Pearls face grew even more pale that she almost looked like White Diamonds pearl, but instead of strange eyes, hers were filled with total shock. 

“Connie, seriously. I don’t think making out would get rid of it. I could just lick my finger or a napkin and maybe have you rub the area with it.” Steven said, growing ever more fearful of his life. The people who were already there were looking on with both confusion and curiosity “Seriously, Connie, not like-.”

Steven was stopped in mid-sentence when Connie kissed him deeply.

‘so I guess this is how I die then. Being kissed to death by my girlfriend while her father tries to figure out how to kill me with my own gem.’ Steven thought to himself. ‘I should be surprised, but I’m not. This was probably the number 3 or 4 on the list of how I would die.’

That morning, at the Big Donut was not a fondly memorable one. On one hand, Connie did end up getting a really nice school photo. It was almost as though she was brightly radiating with an unnatural glow, and the zit never came to fruition. On the other hand, after 4 minutes of what had transpired, Steven ran for his life, trying to get away from the furious Doug. After Connie left on lion, Doug made a beeline to the counter, ripped the metal tongs from the people working there, and nearly charged at Steven, only to be held back by Greg and Pearl.

“Get out of here Steven!” Greg yelled at his son. “Seriously, run! Doug’s going on crazy dad-strength, and I can’t hold on much longer!”

“Head to the warp pad! Or Blue Diamonds sanctum!” Pearl “Either way, just go, my Diamond! Get as far from hear as possible”

“Yeah, Steven, Run!” Doug growled “You’ll just die tired, and when I catch up to you, I’m gonna shove that diamond so far up your nose, someone will make a cute and creative comic out of that and it will be popular on fumblr! RUN, RABBIT, RUN!”

 

As of now, both Steven and Doug’s whereabouts are unknown.

 

Reports from the F’amethysts, Homeworld and uncorrupted earth gems, and even the Diamonds for the whereabouts are mixed, few and far in between. 

 

Connie’s zit came back, but it really wasn’t as bad as she thought.

 

The Big Donut billed Priyanka the cost for two metal tongs.

 

She paid in cash.

 

Pearl never drank her tea.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prelude to a malpractice.

It would be only a couple of months before tourist season starts up, but that doesn’t mean things are too lively around Beach City. In a town of roughly 50 people, it’s not too common for people to start getting sick in mass droves. This leave Priyanka with a lot of time on her hands, if she had any hands free. Steven usually comes in to check up on her, to see if things are going ok, or she needs anything. Or even if she would like some company. The Pearls are ok and all, but they’re still somewhat out of touch with how humans interact with each other. Steven understood this, and in a way could sympathize, so he would usually go and hang out at her office from time to time. Seeing as though the idea of Home studies would be a real thing, he felt as though he should get a head start on certain subjects, primarily biology, or human health and safety.

Steven walked into the empty waiting room. The pearls were behind the desk, either watching painting tutorials, or reading magazines. Steven could have instantly walked passed them and into the back room, but that isn’t how Steven acts. He politely walked up to the counter and stood them patiently until one of the pearls noticed him. This took several minutes. After a couple of study sessions with the doctor, Steven knew full well that if he had lost a limb or finger, he would be dead by now. It would be around the time rigor mortis would have settled in when yellow diamond had noticed someone standing at the counter through her peripheral vision. She couldn’t take her eyes off of the fumblr page full of cats and models.

“Priya’s organic chop shop. How would you like to sausage today?” Yellow Pearl chimed. This threw Steven into a laughing fit, causing him to roll on the ground and laughing hard.

“Yellow! How many times have I told you? This is not a Deli, nor a ‘Chop Shop’!” Priyanka yelled from the back. “We’ve been over this! We’re a medical clinic. Three somewhat different things. You’ll scare patients away like that!”

“Sorry, Dr. Maheswaran.” Both Pearls chimed in unison. When Steven got up from the ground he peered over at what Blue Pearl was doing, only to instantaneously wish he hadn’t. Blue Pearl seemed to have branched out from slightly crude still life drawings, to mildly tasteful nudity of random people. She was currently touching up on Yellow Pearl.

“Gah! Um, Dr. Maheswaran! Just here to check up on you and maybe go over some chapters! May I come back there, please?!” Steven said, trying to block out the graphic image of Yellow pearl. His mind was not ready for that. “Like, pretty, pretty please, with fry bits on top?!”

“Huh? Oh yeah, hey! Come on back!” Priyanka called, seemingly preoccupied with something. Steven made a bee line to the door leading to the back room, intently staring at the ground and trying to think of anything that wasn’t yellow. But in doing so, ended up hitting his head on Priyanka’s door which was slightly open.

“Hey Steven. Come in” Priyanka said, standing in the middle of the room. Steven looked around at the office, which seems to be filled with fewer books than usual. What was more unusual though was that Priyanka was wearing a VR helmet, and seems to be moving very slowly. “I’m going to take a guess and say that Blue Pearl was doing the final touch ups on “Yellow in the afternoon glow?”

“If that’s what it’s called, sure. Didn’t ask.” Steven said, slightly blushing. Priyanka sighed, while seemingly hunched over an invisible table. she looked as though she was trying to disarm something.

“Oh, Steven. you’re going to have to stop being so squeamish about the physical form. When you start learning about art and physiology, you might end up seeing some stuff like that. It’s totally normal.” Priyanka said nonchalantly. “At some point, you’re going to have to learn about sex-ed, and certain biological functions. I mean, between doctor and patient, I’m sure you’ve seen stuff like that, right?”

“I….no comment.” Steven said, blushing even more. “I was just surprised is all. I wasn’t prepared to see…. that”

“Oh, your sweet innocent boy. Probably best you aren’t enrolled in high school- eek, watch out!” Priyanka said startled, now looking for something in the air. She immediately seemed to snatch something up from out of the air. “Whew, nearly lost a spleen there. Let’s try to get that back in there, and get that other thing out of you.”

“Um, a few questions. One, did you just call me a sweet innocent angel? Two, is high school really that bad? And three, what on earth are you doing?” Steven said both confused, and somewhat flattered. “I mean, answer each one in any order. I’ll just sit here and watch this new form of interpretative dance. I think you might put pearl to shame with some of those moves.”

“Well, one, I did say that because I’m a very observative person and it’s true cause you kind of are. Two, High school, no matter what generation you’re a part of, is pretty much a meat-grinder. Don’t let the movies and TV shows fool you. If it weren’t for you, Connie would have had a mental breakdown.” Priyanka answered each question in order from which they were asked, before stopping any form of movement, and becoming very still. Her hands were in a very awkward position. “And three, just touching up on some highly advanced, cutting edge surgical procedures. And this patient is pretty tricky. Where the heck is that laser buzz saw?”

Steven, having a somewhat strong sense of curiosity, looked over at the monitor to see what she was really doing. The monitor was off, so moving really quietly, he encroached over to the desk to press the power button, but was stopped.

“Steven! don’t turn it on. Seriously. Kind of graphic stuff. I mean, not even Blue would do this, and she’s drawn some really weird stuff. This is definitely not for your innocent mind!” Priyanka spoke loudly, but it was too late. The monitor flashed on, showing that Priyanka was playing a surgical simulation game. A really incorrect and not to scale surgical simulation game. But what was more startling was that it was a modified level, where she was performing an operation on a green, fluffy haired alien with a strange object in its abdomen. She was clearly performing surgery on Steven.

“Uh-oh.” Priyanka spoke nervously. “Um, so, judging by your silence you turned on the monitor, didn’t you?”

“yep.” Steven said, trying not to sound as shocked as possible.

“And you read the level title, didn’t you?” Priyanka said flatly, lowering her hands to her side, shoulders slumped. A rare thing to see.

“'Save commander Biscuit Stevenson from parasitic rock monster?' Yup.” Steven replied, looking at the full title, mission briefing, and the name of the creator of the level ‘Periperi123’. “And of course, Peridot made a level where someone has to surgically remove my gem….”

“In all fairness though, I’m not performing a surgery on any specific person, real, shattered or dead. I’m performing a lifesaving medical procedure on a cute human alien hybrid hero of earth who happens to have a foreign object embedded into their abdomen.” Priyanka calmly explained. Steven interjected.

“I’m a cute human alien hybrid hero of earth who happens to have a foreign object embedded into their abdomen!” Exclaimed Steven. “I thought we were passed this? What did I do now?”

“Apart from one day taking my little baby sugar-bird away from her mamma, absolutely nothing at all.” Priyanka spoke quickly, holding back tears of the sudden realization that Steven and Connie are pretty much cosmically duct taped to each other. “Besides, it’s not like I’m swamped. Or needed urgently, or needed at all. Or wanted. Or important.”

“OK. Let’s turn off this ridiculous game and have you lay down on the couch.” Steven said, producing a pair of half-moon glasses and a pad of paper, while Priyanka walked over to a couch that wasn’t there 5 minutes ago. “So, tell me about your mother.”

“You mean my step-mother? THAT old crone? What of it?” Priyanka said frustratingly. Clasping her fingers together.

Dr. Universe, Ph. D, to the rescue!

**Author's Note:**

> Well, i've lost my marbles. I blame the hiatus, and i might come back with something for valentines day. hope you're hungry for Connverse weirdness.


End file.
